While it seems like it might be logical for people to find my blog after searching something like “pictures of juncos” or “how do birds fly?”, internet users (and search engines) are thinking a bit more creatively. So once again I, your humble servant, will attempt to give you what you really want from this blog by responding to the actual search terms that have led you here.

This time, though, you guys are kinda scaring me.

human babies

Wait, no. Do not come to this site if you want information on human babies. I don’t know anything about human babies! Search engines, don’t send people who search “human babies” to a bird research blog! And now I’ve written “human babies” four times here so that probably won’t help…

Cute, yes, but crucially NOT A HUMAN BABY.

floating skeletons

If these are a problem, put up some strong netting around your house, work area, etc. to catch the floating skeletons. Grab a ladder and pull the bones out of the net at least once a week so it doesn’t get clogged up.

birds with human arms

I’m really going to need some more information on this one. Are the human arms human-sized and the birds bird-sized? If so, you should probably give them some food and feel sorry for them. Those poor little birds aren’t going to get anywhere with giant heavy human arms.

If the arms are proportional, well, then you just have some dextrous but flightless little birds. Also sad. Please keep your cat away from them. Unless they were flightless to begin with, in which case they will either be awesome (cuddly human-armed kiwi) or terrifying (human-armed ostrich). Or cold, if they are a penguin, in which case please be a good person and buy them some long gloves.

little birds you can cook

None! Do not cook little birds! Jerk.

impaling pictures

Excuse me, I’m going to back away slowly and then, um, run.

how to escape dark spots from chicks

Most chicks don’t have particularly better night vision than humans, so if it’s a dark spot for you, it’s dark for them too. This isn’t true for owl chicks, but even owl chicks don’t move very fast. Just move away as quickly as you can safely move in the dark, and you should outpace the chicks in no time.

silhouette bears that are killing

Okay, the trick with silhouette bears is that they are two dimensional, i.e. flat, meaning that they can get through even the tiniest crack. So your regular standard-issue door, with its cracks on four sides, is not going to keep them out. You’ll want to get some mesh and put it up all around the outside of your door, as well as any other cracks anywhere in your house/bunker. Grab a hot glue gun and seal the edges of the mesh to the door, wall, etc. with hot glue to be safe.

That also means that you’re now sealed inside forever, though, so don’t forget to buy some canned food and reading material first.

clever hans says is time for rock and roll

Clever Hans died a hundred years ago. If a hundred-year-old horse zombie tells you it’s time for rock and roll… well, it could mean imminent death by horse zombie, or it could mean the most epic party ever. I guess I’m gonna leave the decision on this one up to you.